Bodak Thorn of DRD C-72
Installment #1 of the Space Adventures of Bodak Thorn Series
by Gtron
Bodak Thorn, missle defense observer 7th class, Western Hemisphere Treaty Organization (WHEAT-O) Navy, represented the latest in hemispherical defense budgeting and accounting technology. The WHEAT-O Navy had selected him from amongst 0.98 million western hemispherical citizens whose thinking-concentration index (THINKCI (pronounced: “thinky”)) was exactly one half of one point higher than the quantum observational minimum established in 2394 by the celebrated Chuuk test. The Chuuk test, developed by Belisma Chuuk, was funded by WHEAT-O and consisted of fifteen thousand semi-moronic hemispherical citizen-subjects placed in cubicles with clear horizontal tubes both in front of them and behind them. An identical quark pattern was fired in both tubes, and the citizen-subject was instructed to observe the tube in front. Dr. Chuuk found that, within the sample she had selected, 76% of the front tubes had identical quark-results as their counterparts behind the citizen-subject’s head, meaning, Dr. Chuuk surmised, that the citizen-subject was too dumb to “observe” quantum mechanics. In other words, the secretive quarks, which famously acted differently under observation, required a certain level of thinking-concentration present behind the eyeballs which were pointed at them before they (the quarks) regarded themselves as being “observed.” Exhaustive testing on the citizen-subjects on either side of the observational divide resulted in the Chuuk Thinkey Scale, which is accurate to one-quarter of a thinky.
MDO (7th Class) Thorn was exactly one-half a thinky over zero, giving WHEAT-O the optimal bang for their defense budgetary buck. Although Thorn was too stupid to do most other useful tasks in the automated economy of 2394, quantum particles would still react in unpredictable ways to his dull gaze. This was enough to throw off-course any hyperspace missiles launched at WHEAT-O defense command from EAT-O mobile platforms in the deepest reaches of quantum space—a semi-regular occurrence given the on-off nature of the WHEAT-O / EAT-O diplomatic relationship during the past century.
Thorn sat upright in his MDO chair. He wore a WHEAT-O enlisted uniform top and boots, but no pants. This allowed for on-duty masturbation and waste-elimination. The back of his head rested in an ergo-bowl, while unobtanium straps held his head stable. The ingenious MDO goggles over Thorn’s face employed a circumferential mirroring scheme that ensured that he was looking in the same direction no matter where his eyeballs were pointing. The goggles produced an eyeball-moistening mist every eleven seconds, as Thorn’s eyelids were fastened in the “open” position for constant observation when on-duty. His observational direction dictated by WHEAT-O Missile Defense Command, which interlocked Thorn’s observational cone with those of other MDOs floating in space in small spherical MDO pods, forming an impenetrable orb of quantum-missile defense around WHEAT-O Deepspace Refueling Depot C-72. To Thorn’s right were three auto-refilling buckets of differently flavored Nutri-butter and a large ceramic spoon tethered to the MDO pod wall. To his left was a auto-refilling basin of dermatological lubricant, or “jack juice,” in observer lingo. In the center of Thorn’s uniform top were several small multi-colored holo-tabs, each signifying his participation and good conduct in a particular WHEAT-O military campaign. Bodak Thorn was a decorated veteran.
… stay tuned for the next installment of the space adventures of Bodak Thorn!
